One thing my dad taught me is boys dont cry and boys dont kiss their dads. What a load of total crap! Although I now respect and accept my father for who he is (we didnt talk for many years) and he is super intelligent, I treat my own son the opposite of how my dad treated me. Dont get me wrong, he never bashed me etc but he certainly lacks some social skills and loving. Mental abuse is worse I reckon than physical sometimes. Everything Was my fault and I couldnt do anything right ever. I was an idiot and failure from the start to him. Just dissapointment with everything I tried to do. That is just his way...
P.S. I learnt blood is NOT thicker than water.

I was put away for a while with the loonies lol with anxiety and severe depression after a failed suicide attempt (i even fail at that lol and no dad didnt visit me lol) but I am back almost all fixed after a long and difficult battle. If you have not suffered severe depression or mental illness, I cant explain it to you. Suicide people say is very self centred but let me tell you that I agree but if you havnt lived with the pain of severe depression, then you cannot understand it. It also takes guts to kill yourself. People dont do it for fun! There is a problem there. If you know someone with depression or anxiety too, try to be understanding as its hard to understand if your not there living with it. It is a genuine illness like diabetes. You just have no point to live. Everything is pointless and you cannot be excited about anything to do with anything. Very hard to explain.
When you mix anxiety into it, everything is scary...even just to leave the house is very scary!

i cried all day until there was just no tears left - no emotions left at all in me but sadness for no reason.
I could not sleep at ALL for 13 days. Yes 13 days! Even when I went to the Dr and finally gave in to sleeping tablets, they did nothing and I still didnt sleep. Let me tell you sleep deprivation is torture. I really didnt know what was happening to me - I just thought I was going crazy. It was mental breakdown and inevitable waiting to happen most likely due to genes and upbringing. First few nights in hospital, they had to use anti pyschotic meds (make u very tired - horse trainqullisers as they called them) and 6 sleeping pills to give me 3-4 hours sleep. I have slowly got my flame for life back with the help of many meds, my fiance, my son and trial and errors with meds and seeing a psychiatrist regularly.
I was finally diagnosed correctly with bi polar 2 and am on the right meds now.

Never thought I would say this a year or so again but it is great to be alive.

Have been sober for almost 3 years and loving it. Its hard at times but it had to be done. I was alco too (runs in family but the others are too weak to admit it and stop).
Funnily enough, depression runs in the family too with two uncles drinking and committing suicide (one quit for 25 years and then started again and commited suicide not long after).

So remember everyone, it DOES get better. I almost wasnt here and I am so glad I failed :)

I still have hard days but I am getting there. Discovered taoism (chinese culture - harmony - acceptance of things - no questions to be answered - it is because it is) and yoga and tai chi and bonsai :)
I have started gardening again and its helping me too but I must say after many years of no looking after the garden, its very messy and many plants have coped really well and others just are not there anymore lol - they disappeared :(.

Not funny but I laugh. When I was realeased from hospital, I was run over by a careless driver on the footpath who put me back into hospital and have had two operations on my leg and one coming on my spine and lots of rehab.

My best mate was put in jail for 33 years, My business went broke and me bankrupt, all my grandparents died and I didnt attend funerals or see them before they died and that hurts. All good stuff to make you feel better lol....but such is life I guess.

Merry xmas all and sorry for the long rant but its actually a post to help anyone. NOT looking for sympathy or ridicule. If I can help one person then that is worth the long post.

P.S. I forget the name of who emailed me (from perth I think) when I posted years ago about giving up once and they emailed me with some words of wisdom and I dont think I ever thanked them so thank you now from my heart - you helped me)
P.P.S. I am a member of a depression forum and anxiety forum and help many people with meds questions and give them answers so if anyone ever needs to chat, let me know. Im here to listen.
Trust me - i am walking dictionary on meds and anxiety and depression lol... Basically and sadly enough, I had to research much myself and diagnose myself and tell the psych what I needed to be on as they couldnt get it right and I surprise her each week with knowledge that she doesnt even know!. Yes, she is good, I tried a few and most know bugger all!
Chop